“Endometriosis tortures people. It doesn’t kill them but there are times when you may wish it would kill you.” Dr. Andrew Cook
I absolutely hate what just happened to me and still is. Excuse my writing, I’m having a acute pain attack. I call them pain terrors, like a night terror. This happens about once a week in the middle of the night, waking me up in unbearable acute pain.
I was sound asleep, then out of nowhere I wake up in the most horrible pain, confused and unsure of my surroundings. Unable to catch my breath, heart racing. My body is in full on fight or flight mode. Sheer panic. I wake up more, touch one of my dogs, as if to ground me. Quickly assess my symptoms. Is this an ER emergency? I’ll wait a bit. I’m curled up, one of my heating pads is permanently plugged in and on my bed. In a bit I’ll attempt to grab a few ice packs from my freezer.
I honestly don’t know how one person can be in this much pain and it not be an emergency, but it never is. It’s the worst type of pain I’ve ever felt. So much worse than my torn ACL, my broken hand, and my gallbladder attacks. Feels more like post surgical pain, but worse. I’ve gone through this pain countless of times, unfortunately. It’s happening more frequently these days.
How I wish I knew I had endo prior to surgery. I would’ve found a specialist. I can’t change the past. So here I am.
My lower ribs feel like there’s a rubber band around my body, the pressure! My abdomen is burning from the inside out. Tiny knives are carving my insides. The pain radiates outward through my back. My lower left pelvis feels as if my ovarian endometrioma cyst has it own painful heartbeat. It’s hell. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.
Deep breaths, I can’t because of the pain. So I’m slowing down my breathing. I want to cry, I can’t because of the pain. Silent tears it is. Ugh.I just hobbled bent over and got my ice packs. I’m going to use my TENS unit next. It’s a portable unit with four electrodes. You attach these around your painful areas, it creates high frequency zaps that confuse the pain signals to your brain. Sometimes it works, depends on the pain. At the very least it helps me focus on the pain created by the machine rather then the pain from my body. Insane, lets create pain to take away pain.
Its about an hour since I started typing. I’ve calmed down a bit and the TENS unit is helping. (I also edited and added to what I wrote above) Just writing about this attack is helping a lot. I can’t believe that this is my life right now. It’s really scary, but I’ll get through it. I always do.
I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m 46 and afraid of the dark, the boogie man. I live alone and haven’t given it much thought in the past. I’m used to it. However in the last few months, it really bothers me. What I wouldn’t give to have someone here to help me, to be my rock. It’s terribly lonely. Very.
I’ve turned on the TV and the lights. Golden Girls it is. I’m deciding if I’ll sleep in my living room. It’s less scary to me. I don’t sleep well out there and the dogs will be restless. But I may feel more calm at least. I imagine I’ll be up for several more hours, that’s been the case in the past. My adrenaline is pumping and it’s hard to calm down. When the sun comes up, it’s comforting. People are waking up and around. Not that I ever call anyone about this other then my mom. Bless her ❤️.
Well I hear the birds now, the sun is rising. I’m going to try to sleep. I’ll leave you with a terror dream I had a month ago. I was in a hotel room, it started out as an ER room but somehow morphed into a 70’s Howard Johnson’s poolside room. An intern was listening to my abdomen with a stethoscope, then she started hitting me with it. I informed her that it was hurting and she was using it wrong. She claimed it was a new method. Then knives came out of the end. She was stabbing me. I woke up.
I can’t wait for my excision surgery. I hope I can afford it soon. I pray.
This is no way to live. This is solely coping. I miss me.